Without feeling the extreme urge to run or vomit
A reader writes …
“And feel the beauty, struggle, messiness, and agony of change in all its phases. This stuff isn’t easy. For anybody. And we’re all in it together.”
I run into so many lines from your blog post(s) that stick with me or affirm something I’ve thought or felt but not put words to myself, yet. The one above just happens to be today’s.
I don’t remember what of yours I read yesterday, but I remember having to pause and take in just how grateful I was for it. If you could have seen me reading, you would have seen me smiling, moist-eyed, at the computer screen – taking a deep breath in and enjoying a moment of the presence of God’s spirit. Those are rare, rare moments for me at this time.
My life has been dedicated to serving God, in one capacity or another, on a volunteer basis, within a non-denominational, charismatic, evangelical church setting. I trained for ministry in college and planned to work as a lay minister – well, forever, really. Recently, after almost 20 years of working this plan as best we could see it, my husband and I have been compelled to change course. (He has chosen an agnostic course, I am choosing to just disassociate from the church for a bit until I can enter the doors of one without feeling the extreme urge to run or vomit.)
The decision to change how I approach my religious life has been a long one and not one that I can yet express clearly. But your book, “A New Kind of Christianity”, your blog posts, and those of others who I have been exposed to mainly through your work, are helping me to put more form to my thoughts and experiences. It is a hard, messy road. It hurts and is, literally, tearing me apart internally. But, it could not be avoided any longer.
Thank you for braving the changes earlier than I did. Thank you for finding the courage to give voice to what was in you. Thank you for dealing so lovingly with those who oppose you. All of these things are a great source of strength and hope for me at a time when I desperately need to see strength and hope of this nature from a follower of Christ that I can somehow relate to.
There is so much beauty in the midst of this deconstruction I’ve undertaken. It is good to know that there are others who understand that.Thank you for writing. I know that many readers will share the whole range of emotions you articulate in this post. You’re right … there is so much beauty in the midst of this deconstruction, as your note both affirms and exemplifies.
