Today’s Gospel, Contemporary American Congress Edition

‘When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on the throne of his glory. All the interest groups will be gathered before him, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats, and he will put the sheep at his far right hand and the goats at the center and left.

Then the king will say to those at his far right hand, “Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a refugee and you built a wall and passed travel bans to keep me out, naked and you did not give me clothing, sick and in prison and you did not visit me. For in so doing, you punished those losers for not being competitive, and you upheld the sacred patriotic desire to win and prosper as a sovereign individual in a free and unregulated market.”

Then they also will answer, “Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and protected you from becoming a lazy parasite, greedy for handouts?” Then he will answer them, “Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me, saving me from socialism, communism, globalism, and political correctness.”

And then the king will say to those on the center and to the left, “You that are accursed, depart from me into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels; for I was one of the elite 0.2% and you did not repeal the estate tax that oppressed me; I earned more than $500,000 per year and you opposed my tax cut; I made billions by plundering the planet and you tried to regulate me, I was a successful white person and you dared to question my white privilege, I was healthy and wealthy, and you tried to make me care about poor sick people’s health care, and I was a corrupt politician and you said I should be in prison.”

Then the non-right will answer him, “Lord, when was it that we opposed unfair tax breaks for the 0.2%, or put the needs of the middle class above those of the one percent? And when was it that we supported environmental regulation, or challenged white privilege? And when was it that we proposed that you care for your less fortunate neighbors, or that you should be held accountable for your actions just like the rest of us?” And the king will answer them, “Truly I tell you, as you did it to my rich white male cronies, you did it to me.” And these leftists and establishment types will go away into eternal punishment, but the alt-right into eternal life.’